Revelations of a hopeless romantic that I used to be. That time I still believed in love...
Diaries
The yellow and frayed eternal pages
Are crying with blue ink and look the same.
The years turn to words and seem like ages
Of grief in such a thin and subtle frame.
This memory-evoking prose of sorrow
Is life... or scattered pieces, left of it.
I'm waiting for the better new tomorrow
And learning to accept the worst defeat.
These words have got me back to times of glory,
My tears wash this bitter ink away,
I can't believe it's me who wrote this story,
I wouldn't dare say the same today.
I cut my hand while touching reminiscence;
I'm brought to life by strong and sudden pain.
The paper's edge is sharp and torn to pieces,
And all that's left is just another stain.
Hope-less
Deceptive freedom. Honest lies.
A charming yet so dreadful guise.
Forgotten memories. Two hearts
Are in my chest, both torn apart.
Strong weakness of a wilted rose.
My two reflections, one disclosed.
A shadow of changing shapes.
The sorrow of different shades.
A bleeding wrist of strangers' faith.
A crystal tear on no one's face.
Odd soulless hearts in mystic frames,
You have no voices, know no shame!
Just when you're dumb, your words are true.
I'm hopeless. Well. But who are you??
You're nothingness behind green eyes,
Mistakes that never happen twice.
You're just a riddle for a day
To figure out and stay away
From all this simply perfect mess
Where I am hope, and you are less.
A Story Without an End
"Me, love and you... Three halves of something whole,
If one is missing, everything is clear."
These words can paint the sorrow in my soul
But once bright colors fade away in years.
I haven't found my peace within your arms,
Forgotten dreams are turning into fear
Of someone else's charm.
I give you everything I have and treasure
But I have nothing. Love is nothing, too.
Love's non-existing, as it has no measure.
I've lost my faith in it. But not in you.
This verse is just another ode to Pothos -
The guise of my own heart-wrecked destiny.
I still believe in faith, but is it worth it?
Fate's given up on me.
I have convinced us both the feeling faded,
And it is a deceptive honest lie.
At least, I - devastated, torn and jaded -
Was truly independent in your eyes.
If love's opposed to freedom that's in dreaming,
Then love and dreams don't make one sacred whole.
And so, my past completely lost its meaning...
If I exist and had this past at all.
Not Now
In silence my lips have been drawing the shapes
Of phrases, so vague and deprived of a meaning.
My dreams are about to find an escape
To where the end always meets the beginning.
My black and white fears have got an excuse:
I still have the world - in my heart and around.
I'm no longer free - I have something to lose.
The more I deny that my freedom has bounds,
The better I see them, the more my heart frets.
The twilight has failed to appease me somehow.
I'll lose it all soon, but I'll never regret.
My lips keep repeating: "Not me, not right now".
Scarred
It is just another sleepless night,
It's the breath of spring that we await.
One more gulp of wine and I'm all right,
One more secret till it's way too late.
One more song for no one's reached your ears,
But you think it's happened by mistake.
Every now and then you see me near,
But you've got another heart to break.
I'm a lover, killed by you for good,
I'm the endless beauty you can't face,
I'm the myth you've never understood,
I'm the pill no spirits can replace.
I'm your muse and demon, I'm your pride,
I'm the word that's missing in your song,
I still feel like I'm a scar you hide,
Otherwise, you'd tell me I am wrong.
Heartless-can-be?
I'm wild and sometimes even heartless-can-be,
I'm fond of collecting illusions to ruin,
I'm breaking the rules life has written for me,
"Create to destroy" best describes what I'm doing.
I'm scarily dangerous, silently loud -
A walking disaster you'd better ignore,
The pain in the neck of a desperate crowd.
But I'm like a magnet - you'll only want more.
You'll figure me out, you'll get to the core:
One beauty, two fears, three dangers - it's me.
You'll enter my heartspace and close the door
For anyone else who I wanted to be.
My truth was denying devotion and faith,
And now you've proved right the opposite true.
A chain of mistakes is the sign of my days,
My strength will forgive me - it led me to you.
Invisible Scars
The poison of spring has dissolved in my veins;
A second is worth both my future and past.
The more I denied my becoming insane,
The sooner insanity touched me at last.
The silence we hear is the laugh of my fate,
The soundless laugh at the one I forgot -
The yesterday's me and the force to create
The life I portrayed. But it's less than I've got.
I love the invisible scars on my skin -
The blades of your hands are so tempting, indeed.
These words I give birth to just come from within,
Revealing the truth till the scars start to bleed.
Nothing Else Counts
The streets are embraced by this threatening night,
She's sunk in his warm not yet sober embrace.
They promised each other that things would go right,
Yet all their hopes stand for counting days.
The morning will frown. One desperate kiss,
The sign of unfortunate parting for two,
Will cease their dwelling in ignorant bliss,
Or blissful forgetting, whatever is true.
The well-known words in a new undertone
Of whispering voices are fading away.
The morning will frown, and she will be gone;
He'll vanish in sleep till around midday.
They'll meet when the streets are embraced by the dark
With no place to go, to never be found,
With lives half-forgotten, with nothing to mark,
But they have each other, and nothing else counts.
Charm and Poison
For every wrong step that you take
I pierce your heart thrice on a bender.
However, my fury is fake.
You bleed your remorse - I surrender.
My sharp poignant words of no shame
And spirits are such a bad mixture -
I've never been easy to tame -
They paint such a frightening picture,
They certainly prove me a bitch -
It's one of my two real faces.
You'll find charm and poison in each,
Once trapped in my tender embraces.
Endlessly
Finally
She drank a bit
From an empty glass of wine,
Finally
The pieces fit,
Yet they fail at matching fine.
Endlessly
Her sore red eyes
Turn to vast but shallow lakes,
Endlessly
She'll pay the price
For her salty sweet mistake.
Finally
He found his core
In her pointless rotting grief,
Finally
He craved for more
When she cursed his fake beliefs.
Endlessly
The heart explodes
In the weakened burning fists.
Endlessly...
And so it goes
Due to feelings-catalysts.
Hearts. Spades.
Wars. Games.
Spades. Wars.
It goes round, and round, and round
Behind the locked black door.
They. Endlessly.
Finally
He found his core,
Yet they fail at matching fine.
Luckily,
She craves for more
Than an empty glass of wine.
Hearts. Spades.
Wars. Games.
Spades. Wars.
It goes round, and round, and round
Behind the locked black door.
They. Endlessly.
Fate and Fortune
This northern city with headlights-eyes
Has buried me in its cold and gloom;
You'll see this place in a dreadful guise,
And once sweet home will seem a tomb
Once you're aware there's no way out,
Once dreams of youth say goodbye and grin.
It goes farther and makes me doubt
Of all the things I have ever seen.
Its blood has turned into ice and snow,
It's endless winter in every heart.
The winds of grief never cease to blow,
The art of grief is the greatest art.
And once in this cradle of dirt and despair
A wandering stranger demanded my mind.
He asked me about this damned northern air
I'd better not breathe - I would leave it behind.
He said: "I'm in love with this misery, miss.
Destruction is right what we need to create.
True art is in grief. I've been dreaming of this.
My yesterday's fortune's tomorrow's fate.
I know the secrets my destiny knows,
So this boring dwelling won't be a surprise".
I thought: "He's my twin, and it clearly shows".
That evening he opened my widely shut eyes.
A perfect stranger has built a wall
To be a shield from this gloom and lies,
From endless rains of this city's gall
That falls on me from the shattered skies.
The wave of feelings can warm the days
Of dull existence in Bitterland
And melt the ice in this rotten place,
In every heart that it's due to mend.
This northern city with headlights-eyes
Has turned us down in its nasty voice
And... brought together. We've paid the price
Of fate to fortune. We've made the choice.
Alien
The cradle of despair.
The ever-winter air.
Is anybody there,
Beneath this dreadful moon,
Evoking thirst for tears?
I'm screaming - no one hears.
I breathe the same old fear
That I'll be dying soon.
My soul strays and hovers,
My heart is under covers,
My lonely secret lovers -
The clouds and the sea -
Can grant me no salvation
Within my heart's temptation.
In this dilapidation
I see no way to flee.
The Last Day
The cold winter sky high above me is crying
To meet my last day, one more story is over.
A wrist, razorblade - I am slowly dying,
Becoming your pain. If you ever get sober
You'll only regret you completely enslaved me,
I'm dying in pain - that is what I have chosen.
And if you had been there, you still could have saved me.
You could... it's too late. Now I'm lying here, frozen,
A denizen in all the world, a denial,
My small worthless life never really mattered,
This easy escape is my last ever trial,
And with my last breath your dark sky will be shattered.
My death is revenge if my life has been broken,
I never deserved anyone's understanding,
The words that I saved just for you are unspoken,
I couldn't expect such a tragical ending.